Today, it was announced at Sarah Jessica Parker's Florida estate that I, Jordan Petersen, will be President of the Universe from today, the 1st day of April, until Sol explodes or an installment of Sex and the City receives an Academy Award for Best Picture--whichever comes first--at which time a new President of the Universe will be chosen (i.e. never).
The announcement should come as no surprise to those who know me well. I've always had an aptitude for ruling over other people, and the development that I will now be ruling over everyone seems only natural and fitting.
I recognize that the title "President of the Universe" is a bit misleading, since I will technically only be presiding over the humans of Earth. But should extra-terrestrial humans make contact with me (via my cellular telephone, my Shreck(TM)-shaped mailbox, or my fax machine), I will happily preside over them as well.
While I'm very happy to fill this role, and gratefully willing to spread the word, I understand that there are some people who may be disappointed by this news. To them, I offer the sincere hope that they perish quickly and ignominiously at the hands of foul-smelling, hideous people.
Please check this blog at least once every week for instructions on how to live your life better than you would have without me.
Can I be secretary of blowing crap up? Or the space program. Or making everyone listen to Thrice department.
ReplyDeletesincerely,
-You know your shorter, better version.
Oh dear, what have I done? Mr. Pres., this is your mother....
ReplyDelete